I Hate My Mate. Com

"Words can hurt as well as heal, so think before you speak today or you could severely bruise a loved one's ego. Having said that, don't go to the other extreme and say nothing at all because you fear upsetting them."

In other words, when you're in a love relationship, you're treading on thin ice. Statistics today state that at least 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and since everyone I know without exception is divorced, I'm of the opinion it's more like 100%. 

After watching over a year of Investigation ID on network television, I want to know how many marriages end not only in divorce, but in murder. According to shows like "Who the Bleep Did I Marry," "Happily Never After" and "Fatal Vows", most couples do each other in, regardless of how deliriously happy they were when they first tied the knot.

So I propose to save everybody a lot of trouble. As an alternate to dating sites like E Harmony, Match.com and (Saints preserve us), Christian Mingle, I'm starting a new site.

In think I'll call it "I Hate My Mate.Com" and here's the pitch:

Why wait years to find out you hate your Nearest and Dearest? Skip the painful steps from Love to Loathing, and end the honeymoon before it begins! Get ready to say "I Don't" when it comes to "I Do!" 

Who needs a wedding planner when it leads to the wood chipper?

Stay Away from your Special Day, and join "I Hate My Mate .Com". Our data bases will line you up with dozens of potential partners you're guaranteed to despise on sight!

Nothing ventured, no one murdered, I say. 

Due Diligence

"A little bit of gentle persuasion will get you everything you desire today. You don't need to force others to do your bidding: they will go out of their way to accommodate your needs. Within reason, of course." 

I've never really understood what "Due Diligence" means, but I think it has something to do with making sure everything is comme-il-faut before you proceed. Whatever it means, the thought of having to do it annoys the hell out of me.

Perhaps if I had done a little diligence, however, I would have known you can't just walk into the George Bellows show at the Metropolitan Museum of Art carrying a George Bellows oil painting wrapped up in a shopping bag secured with duct tape.