Friday, July 5, 2013

I Hate My Mate. Com

"Words can hurt as well as heal, so think before you speak today or you could severely bruise a loved one's ego. Having said that, don't go to the other extreme and say nothing at all because you fear upsetting them."

In other words, when you're in a love relationship, you're treading on thin ice. Statistics today state that at least 50% of all marriages end in divorce, and since everyone I know without exception is divorced, I'm of the opinion it's more like 100%. 

After watching over a year of Investigation ID on network television, I want to know how many marriages end not only in divorce, but in murder. According to shows like "Who the Bleep Did I Marry," "Happily Never After" and "Fatal Vows", most couples do each other in, regardless of how deliriously happy they were when they first tied the knot.

So I propose to save everybody a lot of trouble. As an alternate to dating sites like E Harmony, and (Saints preserve us), Christian Mingle, I'm starting a new site.

In think I'll call it "I Hate My Mate.Com" and here's the pitch:

Why wait years to find out you hate your Nearest and Dearest? Skip the painful steps from Love to Loathing, and end the honeymoon before it begins! Get ready to say "I Don't" when it comes to "I Do!" 

Who needs a wedding planner when it leads to the wood chipper?

Stay Away from your Special Day, and join "I Hate My Mate .Com". Our data bases will line you up with dozens of potential partners you're guaranteed to despise on sight!

Nothing ventured, no one murdered, I say. 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Due Diligence

"A little bit of gentle persuasion will get you everything you desire today. You don't need to force others to do your bidding: they will go out of their way to accommodate your needs. Within reason, of course." 

I've never really understood what "Due Diligence" means, but I think it has something to do with making sure everything is comme-il-faut before you proceed. Whatever it means, the thought of having to do it annoys the hell out of me.

Perhaps if I had done a little diligence, however, I would have known you can't just walk into the George Bellows show at the Metropolitan Museum of Art carrying a George Bellows oil painting wrapped up in a shopping bag secured with duct tape.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Far and Away

"Cosmic activity in your fellow Earth sign of Capricorn means the odds are very much in your favor at the moment, so by all means push the envelope a little and see where it takes you. It could take you far." 

 I can hardly wait! It would seem that in spite of the fact that 60 is the new 40, my ride may be just around the corner and I'd better make plans!

 Perhaps tonight, it being Christmas Eve and all, I'll watch Death Takes a Holiday. And hope for the best. 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

World Without End

"Times are good and about to get even better. It may take two or three days for things to pick up speed but once they do you will be on a roller-coaster ride of fun and games. Hang on and enjoy the experience." 

It's after midnight. In only four days, kids all over the world will be waiting for Santa. Me, I'm waiting for the end of the world as I know it.  
So far, nothing has changed. Investigation ID is still on the tube, and no one has bid on my Rolling Stones ticket stubs. Come on, people. I need cash for the carnival rides.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Ties That Bind II

"Money may be a little tight at the moment but that is no reason to deny yourself the good things in life. On the contrary, you will feel better about yourself if you splash out a bit - but not too much."
                               "You packed your bags and all alone you wanna ride,
                                You don't want nothin', don't need no one by your side
                                You're walkin' tough baby, but you're walkin' blind
                                 to the ties that bind.
                                Now you can't break the ties that bind."   Bruce Springsteen 

I love ties. Vintage silk ties. I have a great collection, and I wear them to set all the time. The reaction I usually get from wardrobe is: "Love the look, love the tie. Lose the tie."

Still, I try. When I'm blue I sign on to Ebay and buy myself another. They're never very expensive.

As far as the other kind of tie goes, in about a week my bags will be packed but I'll be far from all alone with no one by my side. Back to New England with all four cats and my daughter in the Prius.

Chariots of Fur.


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Saving Grace

"You are in a can-do mood at the moment and that's good because the planets indicate that if you make an effort the results will be spectacular. Jupiter in the money area of your chart could make you a fortune!"

If my mother taught me anything it was Never Throw Anything Out.  I have the spoon and knife I stole from the Beatles room service tray at the Plaza Hotel in 1964. I have several hundred British fanzines I subscribed to when I was 15. I have Beatles dolls, Beatles harmonicas, Beatles jewelry and Beatles bubble gum cards. I even have a licorice record with John's picture on it. Admittedly, after nearly 50 years, the licorice is pretty gross. 
I have, or should I say had, two ticket stubs from the Beatles second ever concert in the United States. They are now on their way to their new owner in England.
Who would have guessed that these two tiny scraps of paper would sell for over $2,500?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Great Expectations

"Write your goals down on a piece of paper and look at them at odd moments throughout the day. Sometimes you work best without specific aims but today you must focus on the essentials, and nothing else."

 O.K. Here goes:

1) I am going to win the lottery, and pay off all my debts.
2) I am going to drive to Rhode Island with four cats.
3) I am going to be 29 years old again and star next to Nathan Fillion in Castle.

In preparation for achieving my goals, I'm going to the corner Citgo station and buy some lottery tickets. Then I'm going to buy 400 cans of Fancy Feast. This is what it will take to feed four cats for three months. 
Then I am going to watch re-runs of all four seasons of Castle. Beckett, watch out. Next season, he's all mine.