Far and Away

"Cosmic activity in your fellow Earth sign of Capricorn means the odds are very much in your favor at the moment, so by all means push the envelope a little and see where it takes you. It could take you far." 

 I can hardly wait! It would seem that in spite of the fact that 60 is the new 40, my ride may be just around the corner and I'd better make plans!

 Perhaps tonight, it being Christmas Eve and all, I'll watch Death Takes a Holiday. And hope for the best. 

World Without End

"Times are good and about to get even better. It may take two or three days for things to pick up speed but once they do you will be on a roller-coaster ride of fun and games. Hang on and enjoy the experience." 

It's after midnight. In only four days, kids all over the world will be waiting for Santa. Me, I'm waiting for the end of the world as I know it.  
So far, nothing has changed. Investigation ID is still on the tube, and no one has bid on my Rolling Stones ticket stubs. Come on, people. I need cash for the carnival rides.

The Ties That Bind II

"Money may be a little tight at the moment but that is no reason to deny yourself the good things in life. On the contrary, you will feel better about yourself if you splash out a bit - but not too much."

 
                               "You packed your bags and all alone you wanna ride,
                                You don't want nothin', don't need no one by your side
                                You're walkin' tough baby, but you're walkin' blind
                                 to the ties that bind.
                                Now you can't break the ties that bind."   Bruce Springsteen 

I love ties. Vintage silk ties. I have a great collection, and I wear them to set all the time. The reaction I usually get from wardrobe is: "Love the look, love the tie. Lose the tie."

Still, I try. When I'm blue I sign on to Ebay and buy myself another. They're never very expensive.

As far as the other kind of tie goes, in about a week my bags will be packed but I'll be far from all alone with no one by my side. Back to New England with all four cats and my daughter in the Prius.

Chariots of Fur.


 
 
 

Saving Grace

"You are in a can-do mood at the moment and that's good because the planets indicate that if you make an effort the results will be spectacular. Jupiter in the money area of your chart could make you a fortune!"

If my mother taught me anything it was Never Throw Anything Out.  I have the spoon and knife I stole from the Beatles room service tray at the Plaza Hotel in 1964. I have several hundred British fanzines I subscribed to when I was 15. I have Beatles dolls, Beatles harmonicas, Beatles jewelry and Beatles bubble gum cards. I even have a licorice record with John's picture on it. Admittedly, after nearly 50 years, the licorice is pretty gross. 
I have, or should I say had, two ticket stubs from the Beatles second ever concert in the United States. They are now on their way to their new owner in England.
Who would have guessed that these two tiny scraps of paper would sell for over $2,500?

Great Expectations

"Write your goals down on a piece of paper and look at them at odd moments throughout the day. Sometimes you work best without specific aims but today you must focus on the essentials, and nothing else."

 O.K. Here goes:

1) I am going to win the lottery, and pay off all my debts.

2) I am going to drive to Rhode Island with four cats.

3) I am going to be 29 years old again and star next to Nathan Fillion in Castle.

In preparation for achieving my goals, I'm going to the corner Citgo station and buy some lottery tickets. Then I'm going to buy 400 cans of Fancy Feast. This is what it will take to feed four cats for three months. 

Then I am going to watch re-runs of all four seasons of Castle. Beckett, watch out. Next season, he's all mine.

Destiny's Child

"Before you splash out on something shiny and new ask yourself if you really need it. If the answer is "no" then you would be wise to give it a miss. You'll only hate yourself later for wasting your money."

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

With three Cartier watches, two Rolexes, a Blancpain, two gold Bulovas and numerous vintage platinum and diamond cocktail watches, do I really need this over-sized fashion watch I saw at Nordstroms while I was waiting to see the latest movie I was in? Probably not. But... sigh. I want it.

'42

"If you get the chance to travel today, maybe to some place you have not been in a while, then you should take it, no matter what other responsibilities you may have. Don't worry about the time or the cost."

                
                               CATRETT LOCKE CASTING
                      Hey guys, Have you ever wanted to work next to the pilot of the Millennium
                      Falcon? The man that worked a whip in the Temple of Doom? The man that 
                      took down terrorists on Air Force One? If you do and can work in
                      Chattanooga Monday and Tues we are searching for some CORE people to 
                      surround the legend in the stands. We would need you to come to
                      Chattanooga Friday afternoon for a fitting as we need everyone to look their
                      best that surrounds him. Please e-mail CLCastingco@gmail.com.  Please 
                      include 3 pics (head and body,age, ht, wt, and all contact info. Please ONLY 
                      NEW FACES and put BRANCH RICKEY in the subject box.

O.K. O.K. Six hours round trip three times over, but if they want me, "I'll do it!", as Matthew Broderick sang in The Producers. Besides, I want to see if Harrison remembers me. It's been 42 years since I met him, and the title of this film is '42. This may be my big break!
 
 

Miss Congeniality

"If someone tries to give you advice today you should listen carefully and promise you will do as they say, even if you secretly believe they are talking rubbish. It doesn't hurt to be good-mannered - not now, not ever. "

This morning I received the following email. It seems Mr. Washington, who advertised for a cleaning lady though Craigslist, has larceny in his heart.  But hey, today I'm all about nice!

Thanks for your email toward the house keeper position i post on
Craigslist, I'm so sorry for the late response to your message,It's
great opportunity to have your mail and i will be looking forward to
read back from your prompt response,. I'm George Washington by name
and I'm happily married to a lovely wife Amber...We are blessed with 2
daughter ages 10yrs &7yrs they're name her ( Jessica & Jenny),We are
relocating from Holland to USA.with the arm of running a Pharmacy
store. As we would be new to the environment
we would Need a House Cleaners to start latest by June 6th (relocation
date)to clean the apartment. Must have experience with young children
and good references.A need you to be able to clean, and help with our
two children so to be very honest,trustworthy and happy please reply
with your work experience..The pay is $400 per week for 3 hrs of work
a day from Monday and Thursday only. You help us to clean the
apartment in the morning of our arrival date,I will tell the Art
Seller to email the keys to the apartment to you so that you can be
able to clean it on the day before we arrive. I will instruct my
Cohort who brought some firming drugs from me to pay for the first one
week before our arrived,..so as to secure your service, actually i
should have paid for more weeks but i will extend the payment if am
satisfy with your service after the one week, the apartment occupies
the entire floor of the building with direct access via the elevator.
So my financier would be needing the following Information bellow to
make out the check Living and dinning room: 21x12 square feet 10x9
square feet If you think you can handle this clean-up perfectly and
all the details as explained, kindly get back to me with the following
information:We require from bellow!

Full Name...............
Full Home address..............
State and City...............
Zip Code........................
Home phone...............
Cell phone............

     I will be waiting to hear from you if you need any assist to help
your preparation you can also contact me through email!

Thanks,      Frank Men

 And my response:

Dear Mr. Washington: it will be a pleasure to meet your Art Seller and begin work on your charming new apartment in Athens!  I will supply all my personal information to you as soon as I receive payment from you for one year in advance. That is how I work! My thoughtful mother always told me "Make them Pay Upfront!" By my calculations that will be $20,800 for the 52 weeks from June 6 2012 unitl June 5, 2013. And don't forget the tip!  Cash only, please!!
You can instruct your Cohort to meet me at your location with the money. By the way, tell him to bring some of those "firming drugs" you mentioned. I'd like to try them.

I can hardly wait to meet your two beautiful children and your lovely wife.  Your new employee, Catherine

P.S. When you have time, Please let me know if I should address you as Mr. Washington, or Mr. Men
 

 

Jaws

"It's a good time to let friends and relatives know what it is you want out of life, because if there is anything they can do to make it happen they won't hesitate to offer. Ask and you'll most likely get it."

I think my boot collection needs a little spicing up. Who wants to head to HorseTown in Locust Grove, Georgia, and pick these up for me?

 

No Cat Left Behind

 "A Sun-Jupiter link in your sign this weekend means you should go all out to reach for your dream. Don't listen to those who say you should stay within certain limits because for you such limits no longer exist."

 If the Moscow Cat Circus can make it from Russia to Las Vegas, I think I can make it to New England. 

Besides, according to The Post, I've been promoted.  I'm Limitless.

 

Bit O 'Heaven

"Common sense will tell you to be cautious today but as common sense is currently in limited supply you probably won’t listen. If you do get carried away, accept the consequences and make the most of them."

I've resolved to go to Block Island and open the house for the summer season. This requires a 1,200 mile drive, a ferry reservation, and intense planning.

Plus, a little co-operation from the peanut gallery. Two or three days in a car with four cats, three of whom have never, truly, traveled anywhere before.

  

Gimme Shelter

"Decide what it is you desire and go all out to get it this weekend. There are no guarantees, of course, but the odds are very much on your side at the moment- and they’ll improve even more next week." 

Another opening, another show. And the star of the Petsmart annual Cinquo de Mayo multi-shelter adoption was Beau, who is now in my guest bathroom.

I think he's Little Bit's long lost brother. He looks just like her, and acts like her. Now if he would just stop hissing at her, I'd be happy.  

I wasn't planning to get an other cat. It just happened. I think what I want, or rather, need more than anything at this point is to stop working as a volunteer for the Humane Society.

Man Up !

"You will be hugely assertive over the next few days. According to the planets you have no intention of playing a supporting role - you know you should be the star and you won’t let anyone steal your glory."

Almost all the calls lately have been for men. Men of any age. Young men, old men, tough men, soft men. But men, not women.
Several months ago a young boy borrowed a pen from me and returned it with a "Thank you, Sir". It occurred to me then that with a little facial hair and the right clothes, I, too, could be a man. And get a lot more roles. 
I saw this call and decided that now the time has come. It may get a little dicey for me in the changing room, but hey! I can swim. 

          Males not afraid of a pool! Do we have anyone
          that is a size 42R, 42L, or 44L, that doesn't mind
          going into a pool? Or more precisely, getting
          thrown into a pool?  Please email three pictures,
          weight, height, and age to: SingleLadies2atl@
          gmail. com

Puss in Boots

"As the Sun moves into your birth sign today your expectations are sure to be high but don’t try to do everything at once. Start slowly and build up speed and momentum between now and the end of the month."

I'm feeling a lot more organized in the forward momentum department since I inventoried my boots. 
 

Black Magnolias

"You favor methods and routines you feel comfortable with, but you will need to be a bit more adventurous over the next few days. The world is changing fast, and you must change with it… or get left behind."

 

 O.K. I admit it. With three fixed cardinal signs, I do not like change. Being in "The Industry", however,  has forced me to assume roles - and clothing- I would never ordinarily chose. I can usually rise to the challenge.  Like 16 hours in a dress and four inch heels.

Lifetime network is re-making Steel Magnolias, and I submitted. Imagine my surprise when two of my co-extras got the job and I didn't. They're white, I'm white, and it's an almost all black cast.

And to think I fancied myself a sister! Maybe I need to withdraw from the Colonial Dames.


 

Watching the Detectives

"You may find it hard to resist something that’s bad for you today but, just this once, maybe it’s ok to give in to your less disciplined side. Life is supposed to be fun and the really fun things are those we are not supposed to have."

This badge is from the 1940's. Someone in England is selling it on Ebay. I think I'm going to buy it and wear it, since I've been a detective for two days on the set of my dreams.

In this pilot, Kevin Bacon plays an FBI profiler who comes out of retirement to capture a particularly fiendish killer he put away years ago. The killer, Joe Carroll, is gorgeous, literate, and specializes in killing co-eds. He's escaped from prison and is using technology to create a cult of murderers.

In real life, I've been studying serial killers for years. Now I'm helping Kevin. Need I say more? 

Reason to Believe

"When is a problem not a problem? When you refuse to view it as such. That might sound simplistic but the planets indicate if you focus your mind on positive things the negative will cease to exist."

So true. And all joking aside, I do believe in Mind over matter,  and I believe that matter is not real. Of course, as a friend of mine once said, " I have a mind, but I find it doesn't matter."

So where does that leave me in the Grand Scheme of Things?

Cosmically challenged, but with a GPS.

 

Aphrodite

"Whatever challenges you are faced with this week you will deal with them with ease. Venus, your ruler, links to both Mars and Pluto in mid-week, endowing you with courage and confidence in abundance. You’ll thrive."

Monday I visited a dear friend and fellow estate jewelry dealer. After an intense bargaining session, I came away with the bracelet of my dreams. When I arrived home at midnight, I discovered both the Morgan County sheriff and a Madison police officer sitting in their parked squad cars across the street from my apartment. Undaunted, I hid my Prius in a back alley and floated undisturbed into the building through my neighbor's side door.

Venus 1, Mars and Pluto 0.

 

 

The Mylight Saga

"You are where you are for a reason and your primary objective should be to work out what that reason is. It won’t be as hard as it sounds: there are clues and pointers all around you."

You can say that again. At any moment, there could be another knock on the door.

So, I've ordered this Vampire Mannequin couple, and I'm dressing the man in a sheriff's uniform, and the woman in a white oxford shirt and bluejeans. 

I'm stationing them outside my front door. Get the picture, Officer Krupke?

 

Calamity Jane

"Moderation is a must today. If you fly too high, for whatever reason, the full moon will bring you back to earth with a bump. Find ways to have fun without pushing your luck every two minutes. It can be done!"

The sheriff came pounding on the door yesterday. Another credit card civil suit, I presume. I pretended to be the cat sitter and refused to open the door. I told him I was in Kentucky. I figure if they can't find me, they can't serve me.

So today, I decided to lay low, and work on my "to do" list.

One thing I decided I must do is re-new my Georgia gun permit. I called the courthouse to find out what steps I needed to take, and the clerk said "The first thing you do is call the sheriff"s office and make an appointment to have your fingerprints taken." 

Maybe if I wear a wig and a buckskin dress, they won't know it's me.

Give them the Bayonet

"All those worries and woes you have been carrying around with you suddenly seem irrelevant. The fact is they were always irrelevant, but you allowed yourself to believe  otherwise. Now you can approach the weekend with a smile."

Been there, done that, to a fare-thee well. It's all a blur these days. But whenever I'm in doubt, I raise my arm to Heaven and give the credit to God. Like my hero, Thomas J. Jackson.

  

The Dao of the Bull

"The Sun’s alliance with Pluto on Tuesday will encourage you to attempt something others say cannot be done. That kind of negative attitude is a red flag to the Bull and you’ll go all out to prove them wrong."

 

 An old timer who was a great friend of mine often used the expression "That showed them where the bull jumped over the buckwheat!"

To this day I have no idea what that meant.  Maybe it's just as well.

 

Wolf Tyrannosaurus Rex

"With so many cosmic influences working in your favor there is precious little you can do that will be perceived as wrong. Keep telling yourself that you’re the biggest, the best and the brightest. It’s not far from the truth."

When I was growing up my best girlfriends and I called ourselves "The Wolf Pack". We made dens in the woods, refused to wear skirts, and spent recess in fist-fights with the boys. My pack name was "Wolf Tyrannosaurus Rex."

It's not much different today. Blame it on the Cosmos.

The P.T. Barnum of Ebay

"Today’s new moon will give you the confidence to take a few risks and that makes success more likely. Don’t be secretive about your social and professional ambitions- let everyone know what it is you are hoping to achieve."

I'm hoping to fool some of the people some of the time. If all else fails, I'll just fool myself.

 

Fourth Of July

"It is quite likely that you will go over the top emotionally in some way today. When the Sun changes signs on Sunday you’ll be back to your old self again but between now and then  prepare for some fireworks."

You can say that again. Some lousy **** stole my power drill and my battery charger. If and when I get my hands on them, I'll make Lizzie Bordon proud.



 

Who Bit Me?

"Your sixth sense tells you that someone is lying, but you must keep that knowledge to yourself until such time as you can use it to maximum effect- most likely when the moon is new on the 21^st."

I'm not worried in the slightest. I can see he's lying. And after all, he's the one who's named after a vampire. 

He's worn out from watching Breaking Dawn.

Sense and Sensibility

"Do not make promises that you may not be able to deliver on. If you get carried away and say things that you should not it will rebound on you later in the month and your reputation for common sense could suffer."

 

                              

When I make a promise, I try to keep it. And yes, I get carried away on a regular basis. Do I say things I live to regret? Constantly!  But lose my reputation for common sense? 

Mon Dieu! Anything but that.

Rebel Yell

"Mercury, planet of mind, moves into the area of your chart that governs hopes and wishes this week, so if there is something you desire, now is the time to be open about it. The powers that be are listening."

 I know it's out there. And I know of at least three people who had heart attacks when they came close to finding it. It is said the ghosts of Confederate soldiers guard it, and they can't be persuaded to give it up. 

But listen up, Gods and Generals! I've got my snake boots and my spade, and I'm headed to the woods.

I Ain't Fittin' It!

"Someone in a position of authority will try to persuade you to work on something that is not on your To Do list this weekend. Be brave and tell them it’s not going to happen. What can they do about it?"

I'm very fond of my older neighbor, and do a lot for her. Cheerfully, willingly, and free of charge. Last week, however, she actually "hired" me to do some cleaning. When payday arrived her idea of what the job was worth and mine were worlds apart. 

Would you spend 8 hours on a 10 foot ladder for $25? I let it go. But when she asked me to install a part she bought for her bathroom toilet, I just said "not tonight." 

It was the wrong part, anyway. Like Mammy would say, "It ain't fittin'." And frankly, my dear, at the moment, I don't give a damn.

Ursus Horribilus Rising

"A breakthrough of some sort is imminent. You may find that hard to believe after so many recent setbacks but in a matter of days you will be riding the crest of a wave again - and this time you won’t fall off."
 

 

Last summer while visiting friends in Missouri I saw this bear and fell in love. The sculptor who created it was from Lubbock, Texas, like Buddy Holly. Now maybe those forms surrounding its' feet are ferns, but I see them as sea foam.

Aphrodite as Ursus Horribilus. Surf's up! Bring on the Breakthrough.

Last Tango in Georgia

"It’s o.k.  to be ambitious. If you dream of moving up in the world and being someone special, now is the time to make it happen.  Don’t be afraid to approach people in positions of authority - they can help you."

We are told "not to speak to the talent, unless they speak to you first." I usually abide by the rules. But it was the fifteenth hour of a sixteen hour film session, and this gentleman caught my eye. He'd just finished on the dance floor, and was walking next to me off set. Little did I know he was a relatively famous British actor, who'd been voted one of "The Ten Most Beautiful People in the World." 

When I engaged him in small talk and told him I loved his character, he seemed genuinely pleased. I don't expect I'll be given a recurring role on Single Ladies, but I can dream.

 

The Tree of Trees

"The generous side of your nature will be in evidence over the next seven days, especially when dealing with people who are feeling a bit depressed. You will say of do just the right thing to cheer them up."

Yesterday I took my Christmas tree down. I miss the tree. Even though it was completely dried out, I loved it. It was one of the most interesting Leyland cypresses we've had in the past twenty years. A foot from the base it split into four delicate and separate trunks, and it was lovely.

I miss it. So this morning after I read my horoscope, I got up, looked at myself in the mirror, and vowed "You will never cut another living tree." 

I handed myself $20.00 to put towards the live Leyland I'm going to buy and put in it's place. True, they can grow to be 50 feet tall in 15 years. The living room may get a bit cramped. But I'll keep my promise. Problem solved, spirits lifted.

Single Lady

" Look and act confident wherever you go and whatever you do. If your rivals detect you are anxious they will find ways to play on your fears.  Keep telling yourself you have what it takes to succeed. It’s true."

In my job I get to play many roles that come naturally. My favorites are cop, detective, and zombie.  But tonight I have to play a part that has me terrified. I have to be a ballgown wearing member of the wedding. And not just any wedding. A very fancy wedding for the very, very rich.

My instructions are: "think old money when choosing your materials. You and your friends are VERY WEALTHY. Tonight is your night to pull out your favorite dress."

This would all be very fine if I hadn't spent the last 40 years scrupulously avoiding womens' clothing. Until this call, I didn't own a single dress, much less a gown.

Those Single Ladies may be the Atlanta's answer to Sex in the City, but they won't bother me. I got thrift store to go and plenty bling to bring to the table.

Scam Me Up, Scotty

"Back off a bit and let things develop at their own pace. Some situations develop so fast there is really no point in trying to direct events. The best you can do is to watch what happens and react appropriately."

 About a week ago I listed my extremely expensive German bathroom fixtures on New York City's Craigslist. I've had quite a number of responses. Most of them go something like this: Now mind you, this guy is prepared to buy over $4,000 worth of bathroom fixtures, and he hasn't asked a single question about them. 

"...as soon as i make the payment for it, you will be sent a notification for the payment receipt in this your email ....that is if you use this your email address to set up the paypal account and i have a mover that will come over for the pick up and the pick up representatives only comes up when we have finish the deal so don't worry i will be the one to take care of the pick up expenses ok. i look to read from you soon."
 

My first response went something like this:

"Dear Mr. James:  If you are a legitimate buyer, please call me at (706) 319-1935 to discuss this sale. I have a Paypal account. Use my same email to make a payment. After it has cleared, I will ship you the merchandise at my expense.  This "my movers will pick it up" business is a sure sign of a scam. All scammers use the same line.  If you are legitimate, I'll expect a call and we'll go from there. 

P.S."I look forward to read from you soon?"  What exactly does that mean?? I hope to steal from you soon?"

He was not at all discouraged.  This morning he sent me the same email, with a few variations. I decided to react appropriately!

"Dear Sir: Good! I am eager sell you these things!  Please send Paypal payment of $4,300 to cba@netcommander.com.  Once it clear, we can make arrangements to you pick it up. Since I, too, am worried as are so scams, I will have my lawyer present to witness the shipping company's when pick up. And a police officer from my town, as well.  Thanks! I look forward to receive your payment today. Please pay at once as many other people are want to buy this thing.  Catherine"